Why are toasters out to get you?

Do I go for an extra turn in the toaster or just stick at 2? It’s a tricky question but can mean the difference between warm bread or cremated bread, there is never middle ground.

On my many travels, I have experienced many different hotels and the facilities they have to offer for breakfast. There are lots of similarities, cereal, yogurt, croissants, cheese, meats, full cooked and the toast options.

In the hotel I’m in today there is a toaster, the same kind of toaster that you find in many hotels. It has a little metal conveyer belt that your bread travels on with heat beaming above and below to give an even toasting of your bread, 2 mins later out slides the toast. Well thats the theory, reality is very different.

More efficient German toaster

The toaster in the picture above is one I took in Germany and has a dial on it to speed up or slow down the conveyer belt whilst the other dial turns down or up the heat. This is good but sadly people don’t understand how it works and mess with the dials, you then start to play toast roulette. Once is not enough, but twice could mean a hotel evacuation when the smoke sets the fire alarm off. In the hotel in Wigan it doesn’t have any dials, just one setting of super low heat. I think I could achieve a quicker toast if I went out side and used the bright Wigan sunshine and a magnifying glass.

Today I am having crumpets, this is a different ball game altogether. The crumpets have been frozen so have have a slight damp texture, I put them through once, no difference at all, I go for twice and I’m not stressed as I know they will be fine. I then decide to put them through again, I’m being bold and brave despite the fact that everyone is now watching me, they think I’m crazy and maybe they are right. This time as they go to drop round the back, one gets stuck as the bottom was soggy and stuck to the conveyer belt, oh fuck nooooooooo. I find myself bobbing up and down in front of the toaster desperately looking for this crumpet which has disappeared from sight, whilst trying to not look like I’m panicking. This is the shittest game of peak a boo ever.

In reality the crumpet was stuck for approx 5 seconds but it seemed like at least 3 mins. In this short time I had started to look around for potential proddy items to try and push the crumpet out, nothing immediately to hand and I was about to start shoving more crumpets in to try and push it out when it dropped down the toast slide and appeared looking all smug. How does a crumpet look smug? I don’t know, but it was.

I place it on my plate, grab my small pack of ice cold butter and head for my table, ready to start the next challenge. Buttering my crumpet with ice cold non spreadable butter…….